Sunday, December 16, 2012

Swole Shaming and How it Cultivates Weakness

Swole Shaming: v; the act of shaming someone for being muscular, or, swole. 

Sometimes people swole-shame and don't know it. Some people swole-shame and are well aware of it. Some people are the targets of such actions and feel it.

"Meat head, juicer, lunk..." 

If you're reading this blog chances are you've felt the pain inflicted by these words. I need not expound upon those feels.

This blog is about spreading those feels to those who may have unintentionally, or intentionally, caused them- and make them understand the immediate emotional damage they cause, as well as the long lasting sociological damage swole shaming causes.

Once those words are uttered there's no taking them back. Chances are a swole man or woman's ears have already heard them and their equally swole brain has already processed the hatred contained within. Call me a lunk and my immediate reaction is to lump you in the head with a 45 lb plate. However... I am fully capable of controlling my paleo reactions and repress those desires.

I bury the rage down deep. Harnessing it for the current or next gym session.

And in it's place comes sadness.

Sadness for the hate I, and all swole kind, feel daily. My desire to be publicly swole and publicly accepted for it is just the same as any one else who may have their own quality for which they've been ostracized; whether that be gay, black, jewish, or fat... I'm swole, so are many others, please don't demonize us for who we are.

Accept us. Love us. 

Not only does swole shaming make the diesel-as-fuck gentlemen who you're so secretly in love with at the gym feel bad- it makes the whole of society weaker.

It does this by discouraging the pursuit of strength. I am a firm believer that with physical strength comes mental strength. With which comes endless possibilities. What will happen when a greater and greater amount of the world's population refuses to become swole? What will become of our professional sports? What will become of our action movies? Most importantly- what will become of our health?

We'll all die. That's what.

When people no longer desire to be swole they'll no longer desire to go to the gym. Soon thereafter they'll no longer desire to do any form of exercise- anaerobic or aerobic. Max effort squats and marathons both will be a thing of the past. No longer will there be the swole gym gods or the thin and nimble runners of today.

Only people who know how to shame those who pursue exercise in general- especially any kind which encourages hypertrophy- will exist; and they'll be cultivators of excess adipose. You know where that leads.

So, when you shame someone for being swole you are directly encouraging the eventual suicide of society. Whether or not the swole shamers of tomorrow know it, they'll die of an ill health they've chosen, because of the societal support of swole shaming.

Educate them swole brothers and sisters. We must save them from themselves.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

What is More Functional Than Swole? Nothing.

Certainly many of you have heard the term, "not functional." This phrase, and the many variances of it, don't make any sense 90% of the time I hear them. The only time I've heard the term "functional" being used properly (so far) when it came to discussing fitness and/or health related topics with physiotherapist. In those conversations it was used as "this is functioning properly." Or when not, it was fitted with the prefix "dys" as in "something in the musculoskeletal structures isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing"- therefore, "dysfunctional." The proper use of these terms relates to the musculoskeletal structures. 

There is a difference between hearing the term dysfunctional and "not functional." Do you understand  the difference? No? Well let's discuss this a little. 

The only times I've ever heard "not functional" is when people talk about movements; they'll never say "such and such exercise is dysfunctional." Saying "not functional" is the norm. Some fitness enthusiasts will lambast a movement, lets say curls, for "not being functional." This style of usage is much more popular when it comes to discussing the functionality of something in the fitness industry nowadays. So much so that it has redefined the term "functional." 

Well what about the term "more functional." Most commonly used when justifying the decision to comine exercise X with exercise Y while standing on surface Z. If you're reading this chances are you understand the stupidity of trying to combine an endless amount of exercise variations in order to achieve maximum functionality. That's chasing the dragon. 

I'm sure you see where this is going, and I'm sure you have heard the most common rebuttal to this kind of stupidity, "Strength is most functional." But is there anything more functional than strength? 

Yes. Swole. 

But how? How is swole more functional than doing a pistol squat on a bosu ball while doing 100 reps of one arm bottoms up kettlebell presses. How is swole more functional than strength? 

Those are easy questions to answer. 

Sex. That's how. 

Swole will get you laid, and that's functional because that ensures the survival of our species. Not only that but it improves mood and general feelings of wellness. Sex is the pinnacle of importance. Sure, being strong will get you swole, or hell, maybe you somehow got swole doing all that silliness at your box down in the industrial zone of downtown. But how you got to your current state of swoleness doesn't matter to the opposite sex.

Only your swoleness matters during initial attraction- and that's what ultimately leads to sex.

Therefore any movement is functional so long as it leads towards an improved state of swoleness. The only things that are "not functional" are those things which lead a person away from swole. 

Finally what is more functional than swole?