Saturday, March 1, 2014

Rolled Sleeves: Forced Cleavage, Swolerassment, and Swolestation.

Only a few painful days ago my Commandant, General James Amos, reinstated in the Marine Corps uniform order that we will once again be rolling our sleeves while wearing the desert utility uniform. It was just two or so short years ago that the same man put us in "sleeves down year round" status, which at the time was a huge relief for me.

Being sleeves up for me is akin to mandating that a large breasted woman wear a corset from March until November.

Horrifying isn't it.

You see this ottermode twink? 
He's not afraid of swolestation.
He probably loves having his sleeves rolled up.

Yet the masses of Marines are rejoicing this decision by the Commandant. Why? Well the first reason is that most of them look like the guy above and the added thickness of the fabric inflate their arm measurement from 11 inches to 13 inches. The second reason, and the biggest one, is that many of them are so mentally damaged from the incessant ogling and fondling from hoards of women that they now enjoy the swolexual assault. 

These young men enlisted to serve their country honorably, yet they are forced to display arm cleavage many months out of the year, and bear the burden of overwhelming female sexual advances. 

See! These female Marines don't even have their sleeves up!
Off camera to the left is a male Marine with his sleeves up.
Just look at their lustful gazes. The horror.

Ahead of me is the daily agony of rolling up my sleeves into perfectly tight 3" folds, inside facing out. The pain of their constriction creating vascularity in my arms. Suffering through hours of piercing, watchful eyes... It's nightmarish. 

 Sleeves so tight the poor guy can't even 
extend his arms all the way.

Meanwhile in Facebook Land the screams and cat calls of Marine wives and girlfriends can be literally heard through the computer speakers. They are not just screaming for their man's arms, but to see other Marines with their sleeves rolled up too. Upon seeing a Marine with his sleeves rolled up women are known to be worked into such a sexual fervor that the only thing preventing them from going on a swolerassment rampage is a 50% off sale on Coach bags at the MCX. 

See how low those sleeves are? Low sleeves = shit bag.
That guy is just trying to hide his arm cleavage.
He is suffering inside.

Hopefully I can return from Afghanistan near the end of this forceable cleavage and daily swolexual assault festival that has been ordered upon me. I don't know how much I can bear with these bare arms. In the few days that the uniform change has been issued I've received no less than 20 personal messages on Facebook, nearly a dozen emails, and two actual letters from random women saying things like: 

"Oooo boy, can't wait to see you when you get back with those sleeves up."

"Sun's out. Gun's out. :)"

"When you get back I'm going to lick your arms until they fall off." 

... That last one got to me. I started shaking and was nauseous. The thought of a strange woman swolesting me with her tongue is sickening. 

The swolerassment came mere seconds after 
posting this selfie. 

Just today at an important ceremony a certain unnamed very high ranked superior of mine said, 

"I see you haven't left the gym. Bet ya can't wait to get back and roll those sleeves!" 

They then squeezed my arm, smiled, winked, nudged me twice, winked again, and told me to call them. 

The horror... the horror...