Sunday, August 4, 2013

New Science Proves Surrounding Yourself with Heavy Things Makes You Stronger

According to researchers at the University of Helsinki, Finland people who live in the presence of heavy surroundings are measurably stronger than those who do not.
Dr. Kalevi Korhonen and his team of researchers collected a sample group of roughly 100 Finnish men and women, split evenly 50/50. Of these men and women the average bench press was 120 kg for men and 92.5 kg for women; the average deadlift was 200 kg and 140 kg. 

Now, within these two groups of 25 there were some stark differences between the top 20% and the bottom 20% in terms of lifestyle. To gather this data Dr. Korhonen created a 100-question survey asking a broad range of questions within three different categories: Architectural, Dietary, and Musical.

It was found that of those 50 men and women the strongest 20%, as measured in bench press and deadlift, lived and worked in mostly stone masonry and/or steel buildings. (1) Conversely the weakest 20% lived and worked in wood or modern composite material structures; which are far lighter compared to the former.

Going further the researchers in Helsinki found that those who ate “heavy” meals, such as loaded baked potatoes, cheesecake, and the American cheeseburger were also notably stronger than those who ate foods more associated with being “light.” (2) Men and women who ate more salads and rice cakes were found to have bench presses at least 80kg less than those who did not.

A stark contrast came to light when Dr. Korhonen discovered the largest difference between the strongest 20% and weakest 20% was largely dependent upon musical preferences. Those men and women who preferred alternative rock, pop, electronic, or other genres were markedly weaker than those who preferred the more traditional Finnish musical influences of metal, black metal, death metal, thrash, and other various forms of rock and roll composed of screaming guitars, machine gun double bass, and monster voices. (3, 4) Most notably was the strongest man polled who could deadlift 430kg with ease while the weakest could barely manage 65kg; their respective musical favorites being Wintersun and Beyonce.

Due to these remarkable findings Dr. Korhonen and his team have been granted $5 million euros to pursue further research in this vein of study termed “Strength Osmosis” by Sauli Niinsit√∂, the President of Finland. The University of Helsinki hopes to find further proof of the strength enhancing properties of geological, economical, and transportation influences.

In anticipation, Finland has ordered one third of its citizenship into recently opened iron ore mines. Startlingly the Finnish Parliament just last week passed a directive requiring all currency be made of lead and polonium. And in an even more baffling move all motor vehicles within Finland are now required to weigh no less than 1,445kg, leaving most Fins either without a vehicle or in ownership of a 1972 Mercedes 300 diesel.

When asked about these decisions, backed by the science of Dr. Korhonen, President Niinsit√∂ stated, “I will make my people strong. And when my people are strong. So will be my country.”


1.   Biosorption of Heavy Metals, Bohumil Volesky. CRC Press, 1990.
2.    The Daily Meals of School Children, Caroline Louisa Hunt. Library of Michigan, 1909
3.    Heavy Metal: A Cultural Sociology, D. Weinstein. Lexington Books, 1991.

4.    Heavy Metal Music in Post-Dictatorial Brazil: Sepultura and the Coding of Nationality in Sound, L. Avelar. Journal of Latin American Cultural Studies, 2003.

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