Sunday, March 10, 2013

Why the Amount of Metal You Lift or Listen to Doesn’t Determine How Manly You Are.

Why the Amount of Metal You Lift or Listen to Doesn’t Determine How Manly You Are.

You read that obnoxiously long title correctly. I hate to burst your bubble of insecurity fellas, but those are the facts. No one cares about what you listen to and even fewer people care about how much you can lift.

I can hear it now.

“But if you don’t listen to metal you’re a fucking pussy.”

Ah yes… the genre of music a person listens to absolutely determines how much of a badass they are. It really is that simple. Just throw in some Metallica and head bang for a few hours and a woman will soon find herself in possession of her very own penis! Amazing!


There’s plenty of “metal” out there, which I find abhorrent- bands like Five Finger Death Punch and Avenged Sevenfold come to mind. In my opinion they’re fucking terrible and hardly worth a second on my iPod.  Surely, in my opinion those who listen to such bands are pussified-males; a literal plague on American society. Yet I’m more likely to have the complete discography from Judas Priest blasting through my ear buds than some lame ass Five Finger Death Punch song. But wait… the lead singer of Judas Priest is Rob Halford- who is about as gay as it gets.

Right? That’s what gay is right? Unmanly?

Oh wait… He looks metal-as-fuck yet also loves man-cock in his mouth and/or anus regions.

Let’s take Dave Navarro for example. The guy has had more top shelf tail than most any man out there- yet looks about as “gay” as gay could look. Dave is so un-gay he’s actually admitted to experimenting with other men to determine how much of a man he is. Not only that, but he wears make-up, paints his nails, and sings… HOW UN-MANLY! Except for the fact that he gets more pussy annually than yeast infections and has banged Carmen Electra- who happens to be hotter on her worst day than the hottest woman who has ever gone to bed with Bill Kazmaier. 

Manly men are supposed to drink beer, smoke cigars, and enjoy a fine whisky. Wait… all three of those things bear resemblance of a sissy-boy un-manly hobby like wine tasting.

Look at that glass… all curvy an un-manly. That glass should grow a beard.

But wait, there’s more! Not only do people not give a fuck about what you listen to they somehow have found even fewer fucks to give about how much you lift!

How dare they.

The reality is this. The majority spectators of any moderately popular sport, from auto racing to highland games, are men. What’s gayer than watching another man drive a car for hours on end, or toss a weight over a bar in a kilt, or squat in a singlet? The only thing actually gayer than those three things is actual gay porn. Clearly we’ve established that gay = not manly right?

“But I’ve sweat and toiled away in my filthy garage gym under a bar laden with rusted iron! I’m a modern warrior. I am the iconographic American man.”

No. No you are not. I’ve touched on this previously, but the amount of weight you can lift, the amount of sweat you drip, and the amount of blood you shed in a gym brings you no closer to being a warrior or a man than if you had done none of it at all.

Want to be a warrior? Contact your local Marine recruiter, become a 03, and do some patrols in Afghanistan. Until you do that, shut the fuck up about how “hard” your workouts in a gym have made you.

Want to be a man? Realize this- the definition of a “man” is plastic; much like a Ken doll. The only constant is that a man is someone who faces his or her responsibilities like an adult, his or her- therefore a “man” isn’t determined by how much you lift, or what you listen to, or even your ownership of a cock. It was acceptable at a time for a man to beat his wife. Nowadays that’s about as pathetic as it gets. It was once acceptable to have a boy concubine, such as it were with ancient Greeks; and today we idolize the Spartans yet simultaneously ignore their blatant and historical homosexuality. Which of course is “un-manly.’

Being an American man is being true yourself and accepting others for being themselves- regardless of what-ever-the-fuck your profession or what you enjoy doing. It isn’t the amount of metal you lift or listen to which determines your manliness- it is the amount of respect you show others and the integrity with which you possess which determines your value as a “man.”

Neither of which require a ball-sack.

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