Saturday, December 1, 2012

What is More Functional Than Swole? Nothing.

Certainly many of you have heard the term, "not functional." This phrase, and the many variances of it, don't make any sense 90% of the time I hear them. The only time I've heard the term "functional" being used properly (so far) when it came to discussing fitness and/or health related topics with physiotherapist. In those conversations it was used as "this is functioning properly." Or when not, it was fitted with the prefix "dys" as in "something in the musculoskeletal structures isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing"- therefore, "dysfunctional." The proper use of these terms relates to the musculoskeletal structures. 

There is a difference between hearing the term dysfunctional and "not functional." Do you understand  the difference? No? Well let's discuss this a little. 

The only times I've ever heard "not functional" is when people talk about movements; they'll never say "such and such exercise is dysfunctional." Saying "not functional" is the norm. Some fitness enthusiasts will lambast a movement, lets say curls, for "not being functional." This style of usage is much more popular when it comes to discussing the functionality of something in the fitness industry nowadays. So much so that it has redefined the term "functional." 

Well what about the term "more functional." Most commonly used when justifying the decision to comine exercise X with exercise Y while standing on surface Z. If you're reading this chances are you understand the stupidity of trying to combine an endless amount of exercise variations in order to achieve maximum functionality. That's chasing the dragon. 

I'm sure you see where this is going, and I'm sure you have heard the most common rebuttal to this kind of stupidity, "Strength is most functional." But is there anything more functional than strength? 

Yes. Swole. 

But how? How is swole more functional than doing a pistol squat on a bosu ball while doing 100 reps of one arm bottoms up kettlebell presses. How is swole more functional than strength? 

Those are easy questions to answer. 

Sex. That's how. 

Swole will get you laid, and that's functional because that ensures the survival of our species. Not only that but it improves mood and general feelings of wellness. Sex is the pinnacle of importance. Sure, being strong will get you swole, or hell, maybe you somehow got swole doing all that silliness at your box down in the industrial zone of downtown. But how you got to your current state of swoleness doesn't matter to the opposite sex.

Only your swoleness matters during initial attraction- and that's what ultimately leads to sex.

Therefore any movement is functional so long as it leads towards an improved state of swoleness. The only things that are "not functional" are those things which lead a person away from swole. 

Finally what is more functional than swole? 



  1. Whoa, not gonna lie did not see this article going there, great article. But I do have a question, with the prevalence of the swimmer's physique in media today(Commonly referred to as 'ottermode') would you say that this body type is considered 'swole'? If not, what would you consider 'swole'? Thanks!

    1. I would say that the swimmers physique only become popular around the summer Olympics. We just had one so we're flooded with "otter mode" wanna be's and girls who believe they want that- just because it's the hot thing in the current media.

      Look at every other time of the year. Guys with guns and shoulders like boulders are what's popular. The Dark Knight Rises came out and women were all gushy over Bane and that dude was swole as shit! I don't think we have anything to worry about when it comes to otter-mode; it's just a phase that comes around every four years.

    2. I can say with relative certainty that there are a horrifyingly large number of grown-ass women out there who use to phrase "long lean muscles" to describe their ideal man's physique. However, the odds of your average woman actually having sex with a man who meets her ideal physique are slim to none. In general, details of physique (beyond "not fat") ends up being low on the priority list for most women when it comes to attraction. It's the confidence and charisma that comes with looking like you were chiseled out of marble by an Italian master and having the strength of an ox that gets you in the average woman's bedroom.

      Of course, then there are those freaks of female-kind like myself who can't get enough of the swole. In their case, yes, it's the size of your yoke that is getting you laid, son. Objectification never hurt so good.

    3. Just another reason otter mode ain't swole is because swole commands both attraction from the opposite sex... and respect from your own. Sure there may be girls attracted to otter-mode, especially in high school(so close to the end), but otter-mode doesn't command jack from fellow males. However, having a wide back and broad shoulders does both. Hence making swole more functional than otter-mode, even if both command attraction from the opposite sex.