Monday, June 25, 2012

Weak Privilege and How it Imprisons the Swole

Recently I came across this blog detailing "Thin Privilege" and I couldn't help but think how we as swole individuals are affected by the very same (or similar) issues but with weak people. Allow me to detail these issues.

Weak privilege is going to a doctor and actually being treated for whatever ails you; not being interrogated about what kind of steroids you're taking and being detailed with the supposed negative side effects of these drugs. None the less, this coming from an over-fat doctor who has never been swole and doesn't understand that some people suffer from severe pro-swole genetics.

Weak privilege means you're not going to be lectured about how squats will ruin your knees and deadlifting will hurt your back. Then being told that somehow these two exercises contributed to you coming down with pneumonia and they are why you are in there; drowning in your own body fluids.

Must be all the creatine.

Speaking of which, as a weak person your doctor wont fear that you suffer from "roid rage" and wont be shaking in a cold fear induced sweat the entire time you're there. Literally dying on his hospital bed. No. He wont understand that you've always been angry, and this stems from some childhood bullying. Of course not.

It must be all creatine steroids.

Taking a line from the linked blogs author, "You will never be denied a diagnosis because you cannot fit inside of the testing equipment."

That literally can be applied to swole people too. That's Derek Poundstone. He's 6'1" and "morbidly obese." He has a BMI of 45. Yes. This friendly neighborhood police officer. A protector of the people. A servant of the community... cannot fit inside most medical equipment and is turned away for medical care because of his swole. Sad and disgusting. 

As a swole person your doctor will either be too afraid to touch you or too inclined to touch unnecessarily; "weak privilege" means those weak persons wont have to ever deal with that. Swole people wont be touched out of fear. Swole people will be fondled excessively. 

"Doctor, I'm in here for a broken leg. Why are you squeezing my biceps?"

"Oh, well... uh, I'm just checking to make sure the blood pressure cuff will fit around your arm. Nurse, we need an XXXXL cuff." 

Sorry, but that really pisses me off. We're not here for your amusement. Please don't laugh. Please just provide a service I'm paying you for. Otherwise, pay me for being the sideshow freak you've just made me into. 

Weak privilege means you wont ever hear, "OMG Becky, look at his arms! What a hunk!" What do you mean hunk? A hunk of meat? For you to stare at? A target for your ridicule?

As a weak person, weak privilege hurts you too. A doctor will see your weakness, think it's normal (because it is), and fail to assess what kind of negative side effects your weakness has given you. You'll walk away as a "normal" person without being treated for your ailment. 

Weak privilege hurts everyone because it forces everyone to be weak, or become weaker. 

Who will move your heavy furniture now?  Who will open your jars? Nobody, that's who. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Swole Log: Entry Two

This blog isn't really used to log what I'm doing personally in my pursuit of swole. However, from time to time I may put up some information for the readers of this blog so that they may understand how I swole, and possibly consider a new way to swole.

In Swole Log: Entry One I outlined how I had modified Jim Wendler's wildly popular 5/3/1 routine in order to allow for a second squat day per week; as well as making some changes to accessory work. I'm not going to go into detail here as Entry One sums it up pretty well, although briefly. 

At the time of writing this I am now half way through the de-load week of my second cycle on my modified 5/3/1 program. I feel it has done me well. Although admittedly, I did do a lot more extra work besides the prescribed reps and accessory work... however, I feel that didn't make too much of a difference. I now feel comfortable writing my own program and have done so. 

Here's the jist of it:

Squat on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Bench on Tuesday. 
Press on Thursday.
Weekends "off." (Although as a realist, I'll probably do some glamour workouts on Saturday.)

I'm going to be using the bench as a secondary "accessory" exercise for pressing and the same vice versa. So for example on pressing days I would do the prescribed sets/reps, maybe some more pressing or behind the neck pressing, then move on to a bench variation; maybe something like close grip, incline, ect.

I can hear you now... "But gzcl, when do you deadlift? You didn't drop the deadlift did you!??!" 

Shut your whore mouths. No, of course not. But this program is focused on my personal weakness, the squat. As such, it is squat centric and for the time being deadlifting will be taking a back seat; which I call "accessory work." If I feel like I can pull some deadlifts, then I'll pull some. I'll attack that bar as if it were a bunch of Germans in the battle of Belleau Wood and I'm the goddamned 6th Marine Regiment. 

Believe me, deadlifts will be done. They will be destroyed.

Both sumo and conventional, my bitches. 

Now to the fun part. The sets/rep scheme and programmed weights. 

Four weeks long. Three different weights per lift and the working weights are based off of a "training max" which is 90% of your estimated or actual max... and that's kinda where the similarities between this and 5/3/1 end. As you notice the weights are a lot higher than what is called for in Wendler's program. Here's why:

Week 1:
3x3 @ 87.5% 
3x2 @ 90%
3x1 @ 92.5%

Week 2:
3x3 @ 90%
3x2 @ 92.5%
3x1 @ 95%

Week 3:
3x3 @ 92.5%
3x2 @ 95%
3x1 @ 97.5%

Week 4: Deload
40% x10
50% x10
60% x10
70% x10

Basically it's 3/2/1 if you'd want to call it that. Except if you notice, on Wednesday there's an extra set of doubles, making that day this: 3x3, 4x2, 3x1. Then on Friday the doubles are still there but there are also two extra singles, making that day: 3x3, 4x2, 5x1.

Confusing? Not so much. Chances are you're just retarded. 

The sets/reps are increased each workout for squats and weekly for bench and press. Again, this isn't a damn balanced program. It focuses on my weakness, the squat. 

"But what about accessory work gzcl?!" 

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. 

If you don't know what you should do for accessory work chances are you should probably still be on Starting Strength. The way I'm going to run my accessory work will be generally as such: Higher reps for moderate sets, so maybe 5x10, 4x8, 3x12... fucking whatever I feel like depending on the particular exercise and what kind of mood I'm in that day. Maybe I'll want to squat more for accessory work. Great, maybe I'll do 5x5 @ 70% or  maybe a widowmaker. Hell, maybe I'll want to do some deadlifts followed up by some GHR work and then ten thousand back handsprings. 

It's my life and I'll swole how I want. 

Eventually I would like to use this same program but possibly increase the total number or reps. This is my trial run. I'll reevaluate my shit after a cycle or two of this.

Will it work? I don't know. I don't see why not... but hey, there is the possibility that I'm a complete idiot and this will break me completely (very unlikely) or my lifts will go no where (also unlikely by my estimations). 


If you've got questions. I've got answers. 

Oh, and if you're wondering if I have some fancy fucking name for this program. Some easily rememberable title for it. A catchy code that some forum strength guru can spout off... 

No. No I do not. 

Disclaimer: I'm not a goddamned strength coach. Hell, I'm not even an elite class lifter. I've been lifting for less than four fucking years. You'd be a goddamned idiot to take my advice or even attempt this program. Do something that a PROFESSIONAL has written up because they know their shit, at least we hope so, much more than I do. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Sexually Assaulted in Public

Today I was physically assaulted. 

By an older, portly man.

Somehow it was ok for him to conduct this heinous act against me. It's ok because society says it's ok because I'm "swole." And because I'm swole I "ask for it."

Yes. I ask to be groped in public much like the woman who dresses confidently asks to be raped. It is exactly that kind of logic which disgusts me and drives my passion to fight for the rights of all swole people.

We deserve better.

The line at the top of this post could say I was nearly raped.

At least that's what it felt like.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Not Swole Enough?

"So how much you bench man?" 

Yes. Those words actually happened today. 

There I was, in a place where I thought I was safe, the gym, doing my warm up sets on the bench press and this random guy, maybe two steps above otter-mode, walks up and asks me this horrendous question. 

"265-ish." I responded.

"Thats all?!" He exclaimed. 

Yes... that was all. I gave him my best "meet" bench; didn't even bother giving him competition bodyweight... it didn't matter, that was "all." 

This means when I go to the gym I'm not swole (or strong) enough and when I go everywhere else I'm too swole and considered freakish. Here I am. Stuck in swole-gatory; a place where I'm not swole enough or too swole all together. 

"Yep... that's all." 

I bowed my head in shame and thought about all the times I was ridiculed for being a muscled American. Now I have to add this to my emotional scar museum. I then thought that maybe this guy is pressuring me into becoming more swole; make me more of a freak... for his amusement, as well as the rest of the world's. 

I promptly went home. Breaking the rules of the gym, didn't wipe down my bench, didn't clear off my bar or put away my weights... just ran out of the gym, my former sanctuary, and just went home. Defeated. Went home where I devoured a pint of ice cream, three cookies, a protein shake with three eggs in it, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Is there any place to feel safe? 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

"Hey bro! Why you look'n all big?!"

The actual words which were spewed from a black Mercedes containing two tattooed middle aged men and a young boy. 

"Hey bro! Why you look'n all big?! You on them steroids?!"

To which I nervously replied, "Haha, uh... no, just creatine." 

They then proceded to laugh in my face as I hurriedly walked to my car in shame and self disgust. As I was making my way the young boy said, 

"He's Captain America!!!"

The worst part about all of it is that this young boy already believes that in order to be swole you have to be using some type of drug or have undergone some sort of secret swole-surgery or radiation therapy. I wish he knew the truth, that this is just who I am naturally. Some people are swole. Some are not. Both are human.

Yeah kid... I'm Captain "enhanced by an experimental serum" America. 

I've never been so hurt by a child. 

One of us has clearly been enhanced by experimental serum. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

My Visit to the Leanest State in the Union.

Oh, Colorado... How I love thee.

Here I am, on a short trip back "home" to visit friends and family, in the beautiful state of Colorado. A reason I might like this place so much is because it seems that most of the people here seem to take their health a little more seriously.  Makes me feel like I'm at home with my people.

But that's not necessarily true. Colorado is full of runners, cyclist, and general outdoor "enthusiasts." I have nothing against them, to each their own, but I can't help but notice the passed judgement from these endurance type athletes... they're not what we would call "swole."

Just the other day I was in Starbucks ordering an iced coffee and the place was packed full of guys and gals in their cycling garb. While I was ordering there were whispers and a few laughs. I happened to hear a few of their swole-hateful comments.

"Muscle bound."




and the worst of all...


It took everything within me to not turn around and start telling them how terrible they were for judging me. Reminding them that while I choose one lifestyle, they choose another, and those choices have physical demands on our bodies and affect our body type as a consequence. This is America; I have a right to be swole just as they have a right to not be. But none of us have a right to judge one another for the presence or lack of swole.

But I didn't do that. I didn't want to perpetuate the "roid-rage" myth we swole-folk know all to well. Just because I have muscles and strength doesn't mean that when I get angry it is a result of my supposedly using steroids.

It's sad that we have to forfeit our human right to feel anger because society believes it to be rooted in some type of behavioral problem tied to substance abuse.

The good news is that I have a safe haven to run to when the ostracism and swole-hate gets too much. Arm Burst Pro Gym is my safe place. Filled with fellow swole types, I feel at home there.

Oh, Colorado... How I love thy obesity statistics and purple mountain majesty yet feel saddened by the swole-hate perpetuated by your endurance inclined citizens.